Overcoming a divorce/separation can be a challenging process.
People struggle with coming to terms with what they are loosing, but some, then replace this loss with all the things they feel they are gaining from this life transition.
What is interesting is that, however much that loosing something is a feeling which leaves one feeling like they are missing out on something that could have been or that is no longer, gaining something is often associated with a feeling that they are fooling themselves and forcing themselves to believe that this is actually what they want.
Truth is, neither is properly correct. You require a balanced frame of mind to achieve moving on.
These days, people separate much more easily, yet separations remain as ugly as ever. Surely we should learn something new on how to approach this decision in a better, healthier manner.
A divorce/separation is not a breakup point in one’s life but a change of direction. Just like going on diet, people realise they need to do something to better their life. Until they understand and accept that it’s not about loosing weight and going on a diet, but about changing their lifestyle, the struggle is going to remain with them through the ups and downs of loosing weight, gaining it back on and so forth. For a separation, the struggle is similar. The ups and downs are going to remain with you whenever you go down memory lane. The losses, the gains will keep feeding dissatisfaction, remorse, guilt, until you understand and establish that your divorce is not a loss or a gain. It is a solution which requires a positive lifestyle change.
Embracing a lifestyle change is to be experience on many levels. Again, just like a diet, you need to address what you need to do to make these changes for the better.
Relationships, like bad diets, often find people having lost their sense of self and stuck in bad habits. How was your relationship feeding your varied needs? These needs, need to be re-evaluated for you to be moving forward.
Here are a few steps to successfully engage in your lifestyle change.
- Be reasonable -Do not compensate your losses with gains. Some losses will not be replaced, and that is ok.
- Have balance – Be aware of your emotions. Emotions are normal but if you let them tip at one end of the spectrum, you will struggle with managing them.
- You are in competition with no one – There will always be people with opinions and with opposing opinions. Don’t mind anyone. Just aim to be better than you were before, for yourself.
- Be in control – Establish what it is that you can and cannot control.
- Understand your needs – We all have needs. Needs for Survival/ Fun/ Love & Belonging/ Power/ Freedom. Your needs, need to be satisfied.
- Know what you want – Focus on what you want and NOT on what you don’t want.
- Commit – If you want something to change, you will have to commit to make it happen. It’s not going to happen for you. You need to make it happen.
- It’s not the end of your life – Acknowledge this. Yes your separation is painful, but it is not the end. Staying stuck in a bad divorce is no better than being in a bad marriage. Surely you are keen to explore what your life could be like when choose to be happy.